And The Nominees Are...

Ok, like any normal person, I watched the Oscars on Monday, and I just have to say that they were good. Congrates to Heath Ledger, Kate Winslet and Penelope Cruz for winning, but not to Sean Penn because I was gunning for Mickey Rourke. No matter, he'll get one. Moving on, I just want to stop and talk about the humour that was brought to the event, and I thought to myself 'I can do that.' So, this is the joke I've written for this years Academy Awards.

Two famous comedians walk onto the stage. The audience watches them in wonder. Comedians walk upto the microphone.

C1: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and let me say that it's an honour for us to be presenting tonight.

C2: It certainly is, but the greatest honour is the chance to be making a joke at the Oscars, which we think is the soul reason why anyone comes to these things, apart from seeing Whoopi in person.

Hold for laughter.

C2: Anyway, when we were asked to present, we thought, what is the best joke that we can use?

C1: It was a very big decision.

C2: It was... but then we thought, what's the safest joke that we can use because as a safety precaution, we follow an important list of rules.

C1: For instance, we'll never comment on the pre-deceased... because their family might be watching.

C2: That's right... Ledgers. Besides, we don't go after greatness.

C1: Of course. The Joker was brilliant... and the scariest thing we saw last year apart from saggy porn.

Hold for audience to shiver.

C2: Another rule that we follow is that we never use any racially based jokes.

C1: That's right. We never comment on people because of their heritage or appearance... mainly because we don't want to be jumped in the parking lot by Robert Downey Jr.

Hold for laughter.

C1: Also, we won't mock some people because they might react in a bad way.

C2: We all saw what Angelina Jolie did to that train in Wanted.

C1: I know, she's crazy.

Both comedians realise that Angelina Jolie is sitting in the front row, and take one step back.

C2: But we still love her.

C1: So judging from our list of rules, there's very few people here tonight who we can bag.

C2: But there's no rule about not insulting Disney princesses, is there.

C1: No, there isn't. They're great targets, especially when they end up falling for a gay and wind up in rehab.

C2: Of course we expected nothing less from Anne Hathaway.

Hold for laughter. Anne Hathaway gives them a threatening look, and then uses telepathy to plan their mysterious deaths with Angelina Jolie.

C1: Don't worry, we love you Annie.

C2: So, that's our Oscar joke ladies and gentlemen.

C1: And now, the nominees for best soft-drink placement are...

Open Hands

Greetings again, hope all is well my many dosen of readers. Haven't been on in a while, so I'm just catching up is all.

Nothing much has happened, except I did a bit of work a few weeks back. Decided that handling wood wasn't the best thing in my opinion, plus the guy I was working with was a tremendous yet inexcusible handful (excuse my language).

Another good thing that happened is that I've started up my series again, and I'm hoping that I'll get it right this time.

I've got big problems with POV (point of view changes) which Monday Esme has often pointed out and expressed a well-known dislike for... so I'm hoping that my narrator "The Teacher" will save it for me.

Hoping I'll get the second draft of "Escape of the Alchemist" finished in a few months, I should be very busy. Any encouragement would be welcomed of course.

PS. Atticus, if you keep responding with pointless crap that just wastes my time, Tessica will see your baby pics. OKAY!